JorZine - Egyptian Rock For Couples ONLY

Egyptian Rock For Couples ONLY

Band: Egyptian Rock Festival

Author: Muhannad Saleh - 2010-07-07

[Editor: The following article is satirical and denounces a recurrent trend in the event organizing of the rock concerts in Egypt through satire. Neither nor the author have ,or had had, any intention of offending anybody.]

Egyptian Rock for couples only! In other words: "Those who don’t fuck should not rock."

Yeah! You heard it right! The music genre that talks about how sick the world is. The music genre that faced a lot of rejection, misunderstanding (and that is just the society reaction not to mention the governments' crack downs) is no longer a music genre for thinkers, revolutionary outsiders and those who share similar thoughts and wish making better their country, scene and personal lives. No my friends! Egyptian Rock is now for couples only! You know, because if you are too busy, too ugly or have a bit of dignity so as not to slobber around a girl or make your life about one, no matter how much you like to rock, you can't.

Hell! Even if you were Lemmy, Slash, Agnus Young ,or any of the great pioneers of rock, If you are single then you don’t deserve to be in a nice rock concert down at the club.

Apparently If you don’t have a “gurl” on your side you can't Rock!

I wont even start saying how much I hate this couples-only law that was made by a bunch of high-class whites whom have obtained a girl ,thanks to the weight of the cash in their pockets, but don’t have the balls to protect their “precious princess” from getting hit on by a horny motherfucker whose life's aim is to comment on some girl's ass. And the upper-mentioned motherfucker, sadly, considers that two pieces connected flesh so interesting and fabulous as to consider it as God's miracle! He can't get over it!

Your girlfriend has got an ass that many dudes like to watch and comment upon. So either you ask her to cover it or just suck it all up. And I am sure that you have proudly launched your “amazing ass” comments yourself once or twice. Uggh! This all reminds me of Jordanian Malls, you know: “Families only!”

I am starting to feel a little bit of pity on God's most hated nation: The gays!

Just a Thought: Rockers believe in freedom, sometimes too much, but Gays are not included. They aren't welcome in our music genre, the same music genre that we can't stop telling the world how amazing it is?

As I recall, the saying is: Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roll. How stupid of me?! I thought that one should exercise each of them separately. I didn’t think that you need to Have Sex and do drugs while you are in a Rock Concert. ? OMG! I think I misunderstood rock music.

I thought it’s a way of standing up to the sick, self-involved laws of modern society and life styles, But ,shockingly, Egypt thinks otherwise; Rock ,there, is a way to show your ass, guard your horny girlfriends. And hey! If you were really lucky you might get your girl in the rock band's video clip. Remind me again why do we hate pop and rap music?! Oh yeah because they all about love and girls.

You might think that I am pissed off because the music and the scenes to which I have been dedicating a lot of my time in the last four years -scenes for which Mark Levin criss-crossed the middle east to discover and study- scenes that have boiled down to nothing but poser ,ass-loving, horny fuckers who are so dedicated to the music that they do their best not to help it spread. No, I am not pissed! This is my way of saying I am single and looking. So if you got a nice Ass "I don’t want to look any less in the eyes of my horny friends" and got no problem in staying up late till 1, 3 Am give Me a Call.

Note: You don't have to be a Rocker as I finally understood this is not about rock and never was.

Some might wounder why rock doen’t get support in Egypt or around the middle east?

Well, apparently we got so too many single men around! So, female rockers! Please make sure you be as girlfriendly as you can to our fellow male rockers. Even if they were stupid horny naïve fuckers! Its OK! Do it for Rock's Sake!! YaY! Imagine if this couples-only law was applied Saudi Arabia's rock concerts! Wicked!

Since I am too much of a fool trying to help and support the bands and the scenes, here is some advice for the bands, fans and organizers Regarding the New F.C.O (for couples only).

For Fans, My Dear “too ugly”, “too shy” and “too complicated” and “old Fashioned rocker” friends: if you don’t have a girlfriend I advise you to go to St. El Harm and get some nice hooker to escort you to the rock concert. Don’t forget to buy her a nice metallica , opeth or any other metal , rock easy to take off shirt so you make sure Rockers don’t misjudge you. Oh, and don’t forget to get your money's worthy at the end of the night ;)

Bands: Please, post your biographies specifying that you are not singles, and make sure you get a girlfriend before you get your instrument. A photo with you and her is much appreciated because now I think that the reason why some bands don’t go live is because their members are single.

Have you ever wondered the reason behind groupies? Well, they are the foundation Of Rock and Metal not the “speak your mind and stick to it” attitude, nah! That’s MTv bullshit! In fact if you thought of it fucking is nothing but two lovers head- banging on the bed naked, it make sense now doesn’t it ?

Organizers: please consider the following thoughts.

1- It would be better if you do the concerts in a hotel and give the attending beds instead of seats because fucking over a chair is really uncomfortable. But if you can't it's ok! The pain wont be worse than the neck pains from the head-banging.

2- Condoms must be given away freely with each drink! and make sure that the organizers or the bands present a disclaimer denying any responsibility of any fertilization happening during the show. After all, you don’t want ladies coming at your door saying: “Hey! I had my baby at your show! You must pay for his food and shit! Otherwise it would be bad for business”

3- Make sure you add to the tickets a 3rd type the HG "Have a Girl" ticket to the normal and Vip ones. As you may know, if someone doesn’t have a girl and is too busy to go to St. El Harm and get one you help him out after all we are bothers aren’t we? Just add a couple of hundred Egyptian Liras to the real price of the ticket this way you can make sure he gets a high class girl. But beware and make sure he signs a contract that he return the girl as he received her. Because girls cost too much these days and getting a new set of them each concert might drive you broke. You might want to ask playboy for a sponsorship deal. I have a porn movie scenario here that wasn’t made before "Sex at the concert".

Oh, here is an idea for a festival: You can make “Sex machine Fest” and put "Those who don’t Fuck should not Rock" as a tag line.

4- Do a discount to maintain the quality level of the girls in the concert. You know, like slim girls from 18 to 25 gets in free, 25 to 30 get 70 percent off , above 30: “Sorry grandma the hospital's next door”. Fat girls get a free membership at the gym and blondes get 5 percent discount.

A Question comes to mind: If someone was smart enough to get a girlfriend and took her to a rock concert yet he is stupid enough to get dumped in the middle of it does that mean he will be kicked out of the concert? Is there a refund for such situation?

What if one of the band's members' fathers wanted to come and support his son yet his wife passed away " R.I.P" . Will he be allowed to enter the concert? I mean he's not exactly a single , and I don’t think he got the strength to start looking for new one and since his son is playing he cant bring a hooker to the concert! And if they were a WFF "widely free Family" put yourself in that band member shoes! You wouldn't like to watch your father fuck while you are playing Rock You like a Hurricane?! By the way this song would do a great theme song in a Sex At The Concert porno d.v.d. I am sure this will make scorpions re-think their split up! Told you it makes sense!

I think that’s enough. For the bands and the organizers I think what I mean to say shame on you get back to the roots and ask yourself is this why you started to rock!? I don’t care what your reasons are this really bad I heard so much about the Egyptian rock and metal scene but looks like I was deaf at the time and I would like to take the chance and apologize for my fellow egyptain rockers and bands as I wont be able to cover the scene not because I am busy or something, but because I don’t fit the Egyptian rock concerts' standards and rules.

Anyway,  good luck tonight ;)


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